Losing My Religion Read online

  He pulls me into a fierce hug, and I collapse into his embrace. It’s as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel like I can finally breathe. I let the tears I was holding back roll down my cheeks, but they’re tears of relief and joy, my father’s words and strong arms giving me more hope than I could’ve ever wished for. Knowing he’s on my side, I feel like I can take on the world.

  “You don’t have to throw anything away by the way,” he says, his voice muffled against my shoulder.

  I pull back, giving him a questioning look.

  “You said you didn’t want to throw away the life you’ve always known. You don’t have to. The church might not approve of your new lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut yourself off from the Lord. He’ll never turn his back on you.”

  “But, if I’m not a Mormon, I don’t even know where to begin. How do I maintain a relationship with God and Jesus if I’m not a member of the church?”

  My dad smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners, showing the years he spent learning the ways of the world. “You just keep living the way you think is right. Keep praying. Keep doing good in this world. God knows where your heart lies even if the church doesn’t quite understand.”

  I’m surprised to hear my dad talk this way, never before giving any indication he might disagree with anything the church teaches.

  I open my mouth to question it, but he cuts me off, “The Bible says it’s a sin for a man to lie with another man. But the Bible also says a lot of other things that are now considered to be out of date and void. The world is changing, and change is what makes the world go round. Thinking God isn’t the driving force behind these changes, that he doesn’t have a hand in everything that goes on in our lives, is silly. How can God create such an intelligent life force and expect it to remain the same way it was two thousand years ago? Things that might have been applicable back then might not be so now. It’s just a matter of time before everyone realizes that. This connotation that God’s will bends for no man is foolish. Not when He created man in the first place.”

  “Thanks, Dad. You have no idea what those words mean to me.”

  “I mean every single one, J. You’re going to have some tough times ahead of you. There’s a whole lot of ugly in this world. But you’re strong. I know you can rise above it. You just have to take it one step at a time.”

  My face falls when it occurs to me that there are others in this house who might not agree. “I wish Mom were here.”

  Dad’s shoulders slump. “Your mother is…stubborn. She’ll come around though, J. Don’t worry about it. She’s been told one thing her entire life, and it’s hard for her to move past it. She’s upset, but she loves you, too. She just needs some time.”

  It hurts, knowing my mother feels for me exactly the way I feared. She hasn’t said a single word to me in all the days I’ve been home, leaving the room immediately anytime I’ve ventured into her vicinity. But, like my dad said, I need to face things one step at a time. Today was my dad. Tomorrow…who knows what tomorrow might bring?

  “So, tell me about this Quinn fellow,” my dad says, his tone light, vanquishing the sullen air that settled around us at the mention of my mother.

  “He’s…amazing. Everything I have ever wanted to be but was too scared to admit…that’s Quinn. He has this…vibrancy about him that just draws people. He wants to be an actor, and I know, if he’s given the shot, he’ll blow people away.”

  “He sounds pretty great. When do I get to meet him?”

  The excitement that flooded through me as I talked about Quinn evaporates. I shake my head, sighing, as I try to figure out how to explain what happened.

  “I blew it with him, Dad. I took off without even saying good-bye, too scared about what I might be facing here to even have the courage to face what was right before me. I didn’t leave any way for him to reach me. I was a coward, and there’s no way he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.”

  To my surprise, my dad laughs. I stare up at him in horror as he smiles at what might be the worst time of my life.

  “Sorry,” he apologizes when he sees my indignant look. “I just remember being your age. Everything feels like the end of the world. But there’s nothing that isn’t fixable.”

  “I don’t know, Dad. I wouldn’t want to face me if I were him.”

  “Well, don’t you think that should be his decision?”

  I nod but then voice my real concern, “What do I do if he turns me away?”

  He smiles, clapping his hand on my shoulder. “Take it from me, J. You’re a pretty amazing guy. There’s no way he’s going to give you up without a fight.”

  He climbs to his feet, pulling me up alongside him. Together, we walk into the house. I head to the kitchen, feeling famished for the first time since leaving LA.

  Dad follows me, grabbing his laptop, and he pulls out a stool at the counter. “Let’s see. First flight back to LA leaves tonight at ten. That gives us just over three hours to figure out a game plan.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  * * *

  Quinn

  Despite Judy K’s urgings, I decided not to go to Utah and look for Jaden. If he needed time and space to clear his head, I’d give it to him.

  But, if his ass doesn’t show up on my doorstep soon, I can’t be held responsible for my actions. There’s only so much a man can take before he snaps and reclaims what’s his.

  And Jaden is mine.

  The last few days without him have only reaffirmed this fact. He belongs with me. And I belong with him. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. I don’t care if I have to endure a thousand more beatings at the hands of assholes like Rick. I will gladly take my strife as long as I have Jaden by my side.

  I wipe the dingy countertop again, determination filling my chest as I stare off into the distance. Good thing it’s slow here tonight. Only one man is perched on a stool at the bar, and a few couples are seated at tables in the background. It’s a far cry from the busy nights I had at Ascent. But it’s a job, and that’s good enough for me.

  Judy’s friend turned out to be a pretty cool dude, too. John’s fun to work with and a hell of a lot better to work for than Rick. He pays me way more than the position should allow, and considering this place isn’t exactly hopping, even on busy nights, I have to wonder if Judy K might be supplementing my income through him. When he told me the salary, I immediately went home to question her, knowing there was no way he could afford to pay me that without some help.

  “Don’t be silly,” she said, feigning innocence. “John is very successful. Besides, what I do is my own business.”

  I didn’t argue after that. Despite my objections to being anybody’s charity case, I’m grateful for the help. But be sure, I’ve been keeping track of every single penny and kind gesture Judy K and her friend have been giving me. I will repay them. Just as soon as I’m back on my feet.

  The door swings open, a man strolling inside, his hands coming up to brush the droplets of rain from his hair and shoulders. I wasn’t even aware it’d started raining, but turning my vision to the window, I can see it’s coming down in sheets.

  The man walks up to the bar, taking a seat before smiling at me. “What happened to the perpetual drought I thought LA was in? This sure doesn’t look like drought weather to me.”

  Ah, a tourist then. I should’ve guessed. He doesn’t look like an LA native, his smile too friendly and his eyes too soft. I realize there’s something oddly familiar about the man, but I can’t place him. I don’t think we’ve met before, but I can’t escape the feeling that I know him somehow.

  “Don’t worry; it’ll stop in a minute. What can I get you?”

  The man orders a Coke—minus the Jack and the rum. I’m about to ask him what the hell he’s doing in a bar if he only wants a soda when the sound of the rain beating against the window suddenly stops. The man smiles up at me, like I somehow made it happen.

  “
See? Storms never last long here. Mother Nature just likes to tease us.”

  I pour the man’s drink and slide it across the bar to him with a flourish.

  He grins at me again. “I didn’t know people actually did that. I thought it was something they just put in movies.”

  I laugh, his excitement at my simple move somehow endearing even though he’s old enough to be my father. “That’s nothing. You should check out some of the places downtown. They do some pretty impressive stuff.”

  “I’m not much of a bar-goer,” the man says with a shrug.

  You don’t say. Even in this half-empty place, the guy sticks out like a sore thumb.

  “So,” he continues, not giving a second thought to my assessing gaze, “what’s your name, kid?”

  “Quinn,” I answer without thinking, my eyes narrowing on him once more. How do I know him?

  “You look like you’ve had a rough couple of days, Quinn. Care to talk about it?”

  I lift my eyebrows in surprise. I know I’ve got some pretty hefty baggage hanging out beneath my eyes, but I didn’t realize it was so apparent to everyone around me. “Usually, I’m the one asking that question. Bartenders are basically unlicensed therapists, you know. It’s not often someone asks about me.”

  “Well, there’s a first time for everything. So, spill it. What ails you?”

  “Relationship troubles,” I say simply, going back to wiping the already-clean bar.

  Maybe, if I don’t make eye contact, he’ll stop talking to me. He seems nice enough. But it’s troubling how much he reminds me of someone.

  “Ah, those can be killer. Heaven knows, I’ve had my fair share of those with the Mrs. over the years. Always come out stronger for it though.”

  I nod, trying to appear disinterested because I really don’t want to talk about Jaden with a total stranger. Besides, this guy would never understand.

  I turn my back to him, fidgeting with something behind the bar so that I come across as busy.

  “Do you love him?”

  I whirl around, my brows furrowing as I take in the man before me. And it suddenly hits me—why he looks so familiar.

  The same brown hair.

  The same dark eyes.

  Even those lips.

  The man smiles at me, as if he can guess my realization. “If you love him, you’ve got to fight for him. Trust me; he’s worth it.”

  With that, he stands, pushing off the bar and walking back over to the door. He pushes it open, and my heart stops when I see Jaden standing there.

  “He’s all yours, son. Seems like a nice enough guy,” Jaden’s dad says, shooting me one last pointed look. “You’d better be good to him. If I find out otherwise, well, Judy K won’t be the only one you have to answer to.”

  Jaden laughs as his father steps past him, giving him a quick squeeze on the shoulder as he leaves. He continues watching his dad as he walks out onto the street, his eyes not meeting mine until the door swings shut behind him.

  “He and Judy have taken quite a liking to each other. I think my dad is secretly hoping she’ll adopt him.”

  I stare at him, dumbfounded by his words. How do his dad and Judy K know each other? And what is he doing here? What’s his dad doing here? What the fuck is going on?

  Jaden saunters across the bar, his steps measured and cautious, as if he’s not sure if I want him to be there. He slides onto a stool when he reaches me.

  I say the only thing that comes to mind, “Why?”

  Smooth. The man of my dreams strolls back into my life, and the only thing I can do is stare at him like an idiot.

  “Because it’s time I stop putting you second. You’re the most important person in my life, Quinn. And it’s about time I stopped hiding you and I showed you exactly what you mean to me. If you’ll still have me.”

  I shake my head, trying to force the haze muddling my thoughts to dissipate. “Are you staying in LA?”

  He nods. “Yep. My dad flew out with me a few days ago and helped me get everything squared away. With Judy’s help, we found me a place nearby that’s not too stupidly expensive. I’m going to apply at UCLA and hopefully start there this fall. I think I want to study social work. I’d love to be a counselor someday—help people who are struggling like I was.”

  “You’d be great at that,” I murmur, still not quite believing that he’s here.

  I’ve been waiting for this moment, but deep down, I think I convinced myself it would never happen. I was mentally preparing myself for the day when I’d fly out and plead my case, convincing him that he couldn’t live without me. Now that he’s standing before me, it feels a little like a mirage. And I’m the dying man in the desert, desperate for a drink that can’t be found.

  “I know I screwed up, Quinn. I left you without a word, and for that, I can never apologize enough. I’m so sorry I did that to you. I was so concerned about my own life that I didn’t even think about how I was affecting you. It was selfish and stupid, and I don’t deserve a second chance. But I’m hoping you’ll give it to me anyway. I’d like another chance to date you. For real, this time. Because I love you.”

  My throat closes when he says the three words I’ve been dying to hear. Tears sting my eyes, and I can see the same emotion mirrored in his own. With shining eyes, he leans forward, pressing his forehead against mine, as I try to steady myself on the bar.

  “What do you say, Quinn? Do you think you can forgive me?”

  I close my lips over his, the electricity that passes between us answer enough for the both of us.

  But, just to make sure there’s no confusion, I pull back and say, “I love you, too, Jaden Barker.”

  EPILOGUE

  * * *

  Jaden

  Five Months Later

  “Babe, calm down. The place looks great. Your dad is going to love it.”

  Quinn’s arms circle my waist from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder as he nuzzles his nose against my neck. I allow myself to relish in the sensation for a moment before my panic flares up again.

  “He’s never been away from my family for Christmas. He’s sacrificing a lot by coming out here to spend the holiday with us. I want everything to be perfect.” I look around the small apartment—the lights, tree, and the fake snow I threw on every available surface in an attempt to set the right mood.

  My mother always goes all out for Christmas, and I want it to feel as close to home as possible.

  Being a broke college student, I didn’t exactly have the funds to buy all this crap, so I borrowed what I could from Judy K.

  Two months after I moved back, Quinn and I decided it was stupid to keep paying two rents when I always spent the night at his place anyway. Moving in together was impromptu and probably reckless, but that was sort of how our relationship was. We never followed the rules before, so why start now? My lease at the other place was month-to-month, so it wasn’t hard to make the change. Besides, we both like living across from Judy.

  Quinn walks over to the kitchen, checking the ham I put in the oven a few hours ago. My dad is due any minute, and Judy K will also be joining us for dinner. Besides being Christmas Eve, we’re celebrating something else tonight. Dad was over the moon when he heard the good news, and I had to talk him out of flying out a few days early when I first called him. He wanted to congratulate Quinn in person.

  The two of them have developed quite the little bromance over the past few months. If it wasn’t with my dad, I might be a little jealous of the friendship that’s blossomed between them. Quinn talks to Dad at least a couple of nights a week, the two of them laughing and recounting stories of me, even as I sit two feet away. I’m glad they get along so well. It means everything to me that my dad likes Quinn.

  My mom…not so much. She still hasn’t even spoken to me and wants absolutely nothing to do with Quinn.

  Fortunately, once Dad told Jenny it was okay, she started emailing and calling me again. I’d missed the heck out of my little sister, and it i
s wonderful having her back in my life. I was hoping Dad might bring her out with him, but Jenny didn’t want to leave my mother alone for Christmas. And, despite the rift between my mother and me, I wouldn’t want her to be alone for the holiday. Nobody should be alone on Christmas.

  My brother, Taylor, on the other hand, is still siding with my mother. He hasn’t returned a single one of my calls or emails, cutting me out of his life completely. It hurts, sure. But I’d be lying if I said I lost any sleep over it. We’ve never been close. Turns out my being gay was the excuse he needed to shut me out for good.

  But back to the good news. A few days ago, Quinn got a phone call that left us both reeling. A casting director called, someone he’d auditioned for months ago and whom Quinn had pretty much forgotten about when he didn’t land the role. But he had a new part, he said, and he thought Quinn would be perfect for it.

  Quinn went in the next day to read for it and came home with a job. The crazy thing? It’s for the lead role on a highly anticipated adaptation of a best-selling novel. I’ve seen the book everywhere, and I’ve spent every single spare moment over the last few days reading it.

  Quinn is the perfect choice. And he is going to blow everyone away.

  Just like he dazzled me.

  The familiar smile that has been plastered on his face ever since coming home from the audition moves into my line of sight. He pulls me into his arms, giving me a faint kiss on the lips.

  “Your dad is going to love everything you’ve done. And, even if he doesn’t, who cares? It’s just one more day in the rest of our lives. Besides, I’ll be able to distract him from all the god-awful decorations with my sparkling wit and personality.”