Losing My Religion Read online

  “I might not be a religious person, Fisher, but I know God would never wish something so cruel on one of his devoted children. And, despite what you might think, Jaden is as devoted as they come. He loves his church and his God, sacrificing his own wants and needs to put the church first for years.

  “What he and I have is real. The bond that exists between us could never be described as anything less than beautiful to anyone who witnessed it. Anyone with two eyes can see that man is nothing but pure goodness through and through. And I feel very sorry for you for being so blind.”

  I turned and walked off, leaving Fisher staring after me with his mouth gaping. I’m sure he has dozens of rebuttals worked out by now, reasons everything I said was wrong and why everything he thinks is right. Guys like him will never see reason, and I have neither the desire nor the energy to try to change that. All I want is to find Jaden.

  I’ve been going through the motions for the last week, my cell phone always within reach in case he calls. I’ve even taken to carrying his with me, thinking maybe that would be the only number he remembered. But, so far, I’ve received nothing but disappointment.

  Deciding to do something other than sit here and feel sorry for myself, I head downstairs and out to the alley that started all this. I keep my eyes averted, refusing to look over at the spot that ruined my life. I’ve decided not to press charges against Rick. The police picked him up the day after he attacked me, but I was too heartbroken over Jaden leaving to care. Besides, Rick has a shit-ton of money and the best lawyers said money can buy. He’d get off with a minimal fine—if that —and then he’d make my life even more of a living hell.

  I lift the top of the dumpster, the foul stench hitting me full in the face, making my eyes water. Reaching in, I grab a few of the empty boxes and shake them, trying to dispel any lingering filth that might have affixed itself to the outside.

  When I find three that don’t seem to be too disgusting, I haul them back upstairs and start unceremoniously dumping my shit into them. The rent is already four days past due, and I know it’s only a matter of time until I’m evicted. Might as well get a head start.

  I’m taping the first box closed, a marker clenched between my teeth, when there’s a knock at the door. My heart lurches for a moment, hope that Jaden has returned flooding through me. But, when I open it, it’s only Judy K. And I realize how stupid I was for getting my hopes up. He hasn’t contacted me in a week. He’s not just going to randomly show up on my doorstep.

  No matter how many times I wish for it.

  Judy walks past me and into my apartment without waiting for an invitation. “What are you doing over here? You’re sure making a hell of a lot of noise.”

  She stops when she sees the boxes, giving me a quizzical look. I shrug, pulling the marker out of my teeth, and start writing my home address back in Georgia.

  “Going somewhere?” she asks with annoyance when I don’t speak.

  “Home.”

  Her hand darts out and grabs the marker before I can finish writing, causing a large black squiggle to drag across what I already printed.

  “Judy! What the fuck?”

  She smacks me on the back of the head. “You’re a dumb-ass; that’s what the fuck. And watch your language. I’m your goddamn elder.”

  I would laugh at that under any other circumstances, but as it is, I’m not finding much humor these days.

  “What do you mean, you’re going home?” she demands, her hands coming to rest on her hips.

  “Exactly what I said. I can’t pay the rent because I can’t get a job. I’m being evicted. It’s over, Judy. I’m going home.”

  She smacks me again. I curse, rubbing the tender spot on the back of my head. It’s been a week since Rick’s attack, so most of my bruises are starting to fade, but that doesn’t mean I’m up for being smacked around by an eighty-year-old former Hollywood starlet.

  “Do that again, and I’ll pick your scrawny ass up and kick it the hell out of here.”

  “Ha, I’d like to see you try,” she retorts, her tone defiant.

  My shoulders slump, knowing she’s right. I’d never do that regardless of how much she’s currently pissing me off. But I’m also not in the mood for this. Not today, of all days.

  “Judy, can you please just go? I’ve got a lot to do here to get ready to leave. Including calling my dad and begging for a plane ticket home. That’s not exactly a conversation I’m looking forward to. So, if you wouldn’t mind…” I trail off, gesturing toward the door.

  Instead, she pulls out one of the battered kitchen chairs and takes a seat. I let out a loud sigh. Why can’t things ever just go my way?

  “Fine, stay. But don’t expect me to be much in the way of company.”

  She silently watches me for a moment as I throw the rest of my meager belongings in boxes. It only adds to my sour mood, seeing how little I’ve accumulated in the three years I’ve been out here. I moved out here with two boxes of shit. I’m leaving with three.

  “How will he find you?” Judy finally says, breaking me out of my thoughts.

  “Who?” I ask without thinking.

  “You know who,” she says with a knowing look. “If you’re not here, how will he find you? I’m going to assume you never gave him your Georgia address.”

  I shake my head. “No. But you don’t have to worry about that. He’s not coming back.”

  She dismissively waves a hand. “Don’t be silly. He’ll be back.”

  “I’ve ruined his life, Judy. You don’t understand. He probably can’t stand the thought of me right now. Now that he’s home, he’ll fall right back in line with his family and his church’s expectations. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again.”

  I turn to the open box in front of me, fidgeting with the crap inside so that I don’t have to look at her and have her see the tears that are threatening to spill over. When her soft, wrinkled hand closes on my arm, I know she sees right through me.

  “Oh, Quinn. I know you can’t believe that. You two are perfect for each other. You know that. He knows that. Hell, I’m pretty sure the dumb-ass who lives out behind the building knows that. It might have been young, but your love was something special. The sparks that flew between you two…well, it’s the type of thing Hollywood is always trying to re-create but rarely gets right. That kind of emotion can’t be faked. Give him time to adjust and come to terms with it. He’ll be back. I promise.”

  “It’s been a week, Judy. I don’t think he’s coming,” I tell her, my voice warbled with grief.

  She shakes her head at me. “A week. A blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Let me tell you something, as someone who’s been around the block a few times. Good things are worth waiting for. But, if you don’t want to wait anymore, go to him. The only thing standing in the way of you and your happiness is yourself.”

  “I don’t know how to find him,” I say meekly. “He didn’t leave an address or a note. Nothing.”

  Judy rolls her eyes. “Have you never heard of Google?”

  I laugh softly, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand. Judy reaches out and wipes away the few tears that managed to escape my eyes.

  “I’ve paid your rent for you this month, Quinn. You don’t have to go anywhere. And I know some people. It’s nothing special, but a friend of mine needs a night-shift bartender. The job is yours if you want it.”

  I start to protest, knowing there’s no way I can accept her charity, but she cuts me off, “Don’t even start. I have more money than I know what to do with. I can help a friend if I want to. Besides, you’ve been dealt nothing but shit cards these past few weeks. It’s about time your luck turns.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  * * *

  Jaden

  “Can we talk?”

  My father’s voice surprises me, the half-dozed state I fell into quickly disappearing as I lift my head from the pillow.

  I’ve spent most of the past week in this very spot, not havi
ng any reason to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom and grab some sort of nourishment. Don’t ask me what I’ve put into my mouth these last few days because I have absolutely no idea. Whenever the pangs in my stomach became too much to bear, I’d simply stumble down to the kitchen, grabbing the first thing I laid my hands on before retreating upstairs.

  Nothing tastes like it used to. So why bother wasting the time?

  Though that was all I had these days—time. Going from having every minute of every day planned for me to having nothing to do but sulk in my own sorrow was quite a shock to the system at first. But I have been gradually adjusting. At least I didn’t have to listen to Elder Fisher’s incessant rambling anymore.

  I push myself up from the bed, running a hand through my disheveled hair as I nod at my dad. “Sure. Have a seat.”

  He lingers in the doorway. “Actually, Mom took Jenny shopping. Said she wanted to get a head start on back-to-school clothes before stores got too crazy.”

  My heart sinks when he mentions my sister. She’s hardly said two words to me since I’ve been back, spending as much time as possible at her friend’s house or locked up in my parents’ room with my mother. One thing that didn’t really cross my mind on the flight home was how my relationship with Jenny would change. She’s always looked up to me. And I’ve let her down.

  My dad continues, his voice breaking me out of my thoughts. “I was thinking maybe we could head out back, shoot a few hoops.”

  My sadness at the thought of Jenny evaporates, and the smile that spreads across my face is the first genuine thing I’ve felt since stepping foot back inside this house. Other than shame, that is.

  “I’d like that.”

  Out in the backyard, Dad and I fall into a comfortable rhythm, all the nights we spent back here as I was growing up coming back like they were only yesterday. Before I know it, I’m laughing as he attempts to guard me like he used to.

  His hands in my face, he taunts me, “Don’t miss, J. Don’t miss…”

  I take a step back, swiveling to the left as I let off the shot. The net swishes as the ball goes straight through.

  “Lucky shot,” he jokes, grabbing the ball and getting right back on offense.

  We play for over an hour, the tense awkwardness of the last week nowhere in sight. It’s the first time since I left LA that my thoughts aren’t consumed with Quinn and the mistakes I’ve made.

  After I win the third game, my father palms the ball, tucking it into his side as he collapses onto the grass. I lie down next to him, the melody of our labored breathing the only audible sound in the quiet evening.

  “You got lucky, kid. I’ll get you next time,” he says after a minute, his voice finally steady.

  Just the fact that he’s even insinuating there will be a next time is like music to my ears.

  “Keep telling yourself that, old man. Maybe, someday, it’ll come true,” I retort, pushing myself up into a sitting position and resting my weight on the palms of my hands.

  Dad joins me, ruffling my sweaty hair like I’m nine instead of nineteen. He gives me a sad smile when my eyes find his.

  “Why, Jaden? I just need to know why. I’ve asked myself this question time and time again since getting that phone call from Elder Shaw. And, each time, I come up empty. Why did you do this?”

  All the air rushes from my lungs, the happiness I was feeling only moments before vanishing with just a few words. I should’ve known it was only temporary. Dad wanted me to feel like I could trust him, so he brought me back to those times when he was my best friend. Back to the times when I really could tell him anything. But what I have to say now…he doesn’t want to hear it. Not really.

  I shake my head, letting out an exasperated breath, as I start to push myself to my feet. My father’s hand closes around my wrist, pulling me back down beside him before I can get far.

  “We need to talk, J. I need you to explain it to me.”

  I prop my arms up on my knees, my hands dangling loosely between them as I hang my head. “You won’t understand, Dad.”

  “Try me,” is his only response.

  Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back on my neck and turn my face toward the sky. If ever there was a time I needed the Lord’s help in getting through a conversation, it’s now.

  Please. Please don’t let him hate me after this.

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Dad. I didn’t want to let you and Mom down. I want you to know that. It wasn’t intentional. But it was one hundred percent unavoidable. From the moment I met Quinn, this was destined to happen.”

  I turn to look at him, expecting to see regret etched into his face. Instead, his features are blank, his face completely impassive as he waits for me to continue.

  “I’ve always felt a little…different, you know? My whole life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I ignored it, thinking, if I prayed hard enough and followed the Lord, He’d help me overcome it. So, I dated. I waited and waited to feel something, anything, for even one of those girls. But it never happened.

  “When the church made their announcement that children of gay couples couldn’t become members until they were eighteen and out of their parents’ house, I almost lost it. That’s what the meeting with the bishop was about before I got my call. You hadn’t been there in priesthood meeting that day, but I’d asked some questions people didn’t like.”

  He nods. “I heard. You should know, nothing is secret for long within those walls. People talk.”

  I did know. I just hoped that, maybe this one time, things were different.

  “You never asked me about it.”

  He shrugs. “I figured you’d gotten your answers from the bishop. When you didn’t raise the issue with me, I just assumed you didn’t need me. I didn’t want to bring up something that might embarrass you.”

  I let out a humorless laugh. “Embarrass me? Or embarrass you?”

  If he’d had the courage to speak with me all those months ago, maybe this whole situation could have been avoided.

  He gives me a sharp look. “You are always at the forefront of my thoughts. Everything I do, I do for you and your brother and sister.”

  “So, giving me the cold shoulder for the last week was for my own good?” I spew.

  At least he has the audacity to look chagrined. “I’m sorry about that, J. I shouldn’t have done that. But I am human. I needed some time to adjust.”

  “You needed time? Do you have any idea what the few days leading up to that phone call from the mission president were like for me? I needed my family. And all I got was rejection.”

  “I don’t know,” he says quickly, again stopping me as I try to get to my feet. “But I’d like to. Please. Tell me what happened.”

  “You don’t want to know. You don’t want to hear about how I fell in love with another man and how he helped me discover things about myself I’d always thought were missing. You don’t want to know how it felt to finally feel accepted by someone, only to have to hide that side of myself from the rest of the world. You don’t want to know how hard I tried to fight it, to no avail. You don’t want to hear what it was like, watching someone beat the crap out of him simply because of who he is. I loved him, Dad. Love him. I couldn’t have prevented this from happening any more than you could stop loving Mom. And, if that makes me unwelcome in your house, then I guess I’ll pack my shit and go.”

  This time, I get to my feet, running toward the back door before the threatening tears spill out onto my cheeks. My dad catches up to me before I can get inside though, grabbing my arms and wheeling me around to face him.

  “You think that’s what this is about? Jeez, Jaden, give me a little bit of credit. Was it a shock to hear that you’d broken your covenants and with another man? Of course it was. But you know what my first thought was after hearing that?”

  “How in the hell did I raise a queer?” I spit out.

  “No!” he shouts, giving me a rough shake. “No. You’re my so
n, Jaden. That doesn’t change because of who you love. The love I feel for you—and Taylor and Jenny—is unconditional. My first thought wasn’t being ashamed that you were gay. In fact, those words never even crossed my mind until you just said them. Because I’m not ashamed of you, J. You’re a good kid, and nothing will ever change that. I don’t care what anybody else says. My first thought when I heard what had happened was why you hadn’t come to me with something like this. My first thought was that I had failed you, making you think you had to hide yourself from me. You should’ve been able to tell me anything. And I’m so, so sorry you felt that you couldn’t. The only disappointment I feel is directed at myself. I should’ve been there for you, and I wasn’t.”

  “So…you’re not mad?”

  “No, son. I’m not mad. Not at you anyway. I’m sad that you felt you couldn’t talk to me. When I asked you to explain, I meant, explain the ways I failed you. What did I do to make you think you couldn’t tell me what you were feeling?”

  I sit down on the steps leading up to the porch, my dad taking the seat next to me and putting his arm around my shoulders.

  “I didn’t want…” My voice breaks. “I didn’t want people to talk. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose between me and the church. You know how they feel about people like me, Dad. Plus, I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. This life is the only thing I’ve ever known. How am I supposed to just throw it all away? I thought, if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. But then I met Quinn, and he showed me the way life could be. The way life should be.”

  Dad hugs me into his side. “It’s a powerful thing—love. It has the capability of opening your eyes to a whole new world, a world you didn’t even think was possible until you meet the person who can take you there. Despite what the church teaches, I could never be ashamed of you for finding that person. I might not understand it, but I accept it. I accept and love you for who you are, J. Always have, and I always will. I don’t care what people say. Let them talk. As long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about. I love you, and I love my church. But you need to know that, if it came down to it, if I were forced to choose between the two of you, there wouldn’t even be a question. I’d choose you.”