Losing My Religion Read online

  He nestles into me. And, as I wrap my arms around him, I realize how accurate those words might be.

  I’ve known whatever this is with Jaden is different. But the past few nights of just chilling and getting to know him have only solidified what I am sure I have been feeling. I’ve fallen for this guy. Fallen hard. And I don’t ever want to get back up.

  We make it through three episodes before Jaden conks out, his soft, even breaths the only indication he’s fallen asleep. It’s a good thing I fell for this guy and not his shitty companion. I’d never get any sleep with that asshole lying next to me.

  I turn off the TV and grab my phone, triple-checking that my alarm is set before hunkering down next to him. Even in sleep, he gravitates toward me, his body finding the natural position we’ve adopted when lying together. I press my lips into his hair, inhaling deep as my eyelids flutter shut.

  Yep, I could die a happy man right here in this bed.

  A sudden emptiness wakes me, all the warmth I was wrapped up in disappearing in an instant. My eyes fly open, confusion at what is happening flooding my senses.

  A soft laugh sounds from over by the window, and even in my half-asleep state, I realize it’s Jaden. Before my vision has cleared, he’s by my side, pressing his lips to my forehead.

  “Hey. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispers as he joins me on the bed.

  “What’s going on?” I ask dumbly. I know he is leaving. But why?

  He smiles, taking my hand in his. “It’s just past five. I’ve got to get back downstairs before Fisher wakes.”

  I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand. I’m not sure why I have the thing, considering I only use my cell to wake me up. But, right now, I’m glad it’s there. There’s no way I’d be able to read the tiny print on my phone. Falling asleep with my contacts in is never a good idea.

  But when I see that he’s right about the time, I sit up, rubbing at my eyes to try to clear them. “You were just going to leave without saying good-bye?” I realize I’m pouting, but I don’t like that he was going to sneak out without my knowledge.

  He brushes my hair back from my forehead. “Believe me, I didn’t want to. You were just sleeping so peacefully. I didn’t want to disturb you. I was going to go up and text you good night, so it would be the first thing you saw when you woke.”

  I lift an eyebrow. “And you thought that would be the same thing as being able to kiss you good-bye?” I ask with incredulity.

  Before he has a chance to answer, I pull him to me, crashing my lips against his, running my hands over his closely trimmed hair. He moans into my mouth, his body sagging against me as my mouth works. I use this to my advantage, moving my lips to the soft spot under his jaw, running my tongue up and down the length of his neck, as he trembles and groans under my touch. My fingers find the bare skin of his abdomen, toying with the lightly defined muscles that are only starting to develop there. I kiss and tease him for what seems like minutes and hours all at once, never once breaking my onslaught on his body. It’s not until my eyes happen to catch the time that I finally relent, realizing we’re cutting it close, and I release my hold on him, letting him come up for air.

  “You’re right,” he says breathlessly. “That was so much better than a text.”

  “Remember that the next time you get any bright ideas on trying to sneak out of here without saying good-bye,” I say matter-of-factly, giving him my signature smile.

  “Yes, sir.”

  I playfully bite him on the shoulder before nudging him with my own. “You’d better get going, Elder Barker.”

  He glances at the clock. “Oh, crap. How the heck is it already five forty?”

  And this is just one of the many reasons I can’t seem to stop myself from falling for this guy. He can spend hours down here, kissing me, touching me, watching inappropriate TV with me, yet he still says things like heck and crap. He’s so innocent, despite the naughtier side I know exists just below the surface. I’ve got to say, I’m just as intrigued by this side of him as I am by the side I know he likes to keep hidden.

  There are two sides to every coin, and together, they make up something valuable. In terms of Jaden, he’s a rarity. A one-of-a-kind coin worth thousands and thousands. No, millions. He’s worth more than money can buy.

  He slinks over to the window, gently opening it. The wind that was beating against the window earlier apparently brought a storm with it, the torrential rain beating against the metal of the fire escape almost deafening through the open window.

  “Christ, it hasn’t rained like that here in ages.”

  Jaden looks up at the sky and then over at me. “How am I going to get down there? I’ll get drenched. There’s no way I’ll be dry in the next twenty minutes.”

  “Guess you’ll have to go out the front door. I know you don’t like the idea, but it’s a safer bet than trying to not get wet as you run down those stairs. The last thing I want is for you to slip and break your neck. Besides, I think it’s safe to say Fishy isn’t going to wake up at the sound of a little door. Pretty sure a freight train could pass through his bedroom, and he wouldn’t bat an eye.”

  I can see the wheels turning in Jaden’s head as he debates on what to do. Finally, he nods, closing the window and moving toward the door. I join him, pulling it open and walking him to the end of the hall.

  “Good night, Quinn,” he says, his hand on the door to the stairwell.

  “Night, Jaden. Will I see you tomorrow?”

  The smile that spreads across his face is all the answer I need. I lean in, giving him one final kiss before he turns and runs down the stairs.

  I gently close the stairwell door, not wanting to wake up any of my neighbors at this ungodly hour. Nobody on this floor is out of bed before ten, myself included. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of a pissed off drug dealer’s wrath.

  I tiptoe down the hall, and just before I’m home free, a loud, “Psst,” sounds from behind me.

  I whirl, my heart hammering in my chest, certain I’m about to get murdered for waking the dead, when I see it’s just Judy K.

  My hand flies to my chest. “Jesus, Judy. You scared the shit out of me.”

  She steps out into the hall, pulling her robe tight around her and tying the sash. “Oh, you hush. Quit trying to change the subject. Was that who I think it was?”

  I lift an eyebrow, not sure if I want to ask her who she thought it was or tell her it’s impossible for me to change the subject when we weren’t even speaking. I decide to go with the former, not wanting to open the can of worms that trying to correct her language would bring.

  “That depends. Who do you think it was?”

  “I knew it!” she whisper-yells, doing a little shimmy with her hips. “It was the Mormon boy from downstairs, wasn’t it?”

  I want to deny it and try to cover for Jaden. Nobody can know about us yet; he’s made that abundantly clear. But this is Judy, and trying to lie to her is like trying to lie to my grandma. I was never any good at it.

  Turns out, I don’t even have to open my mouth.

  Her grin spreads just at the look on my face. “I knew it. I knew there was a reason you’d been in such a good mood these past few days. I thought maybe you’d finally given in and bought Oxy from Barry down the hall. But I should’ve known better. There’s only one thing that puts that look on a man’s face. And a prescription painkiller sure as hell ain’t it.”

  All I can do is grin in return, apparently being struck dumb from the shock of being found out and from the bliss of my night with Jaden.

  “He makes you happy, doesn’t he, Quinn?” Judy asks after a few moments of us staring at each other and smiling like idiots.

  “Yeah, Judy. He does.” Look, my voice works after all. It’s a Christmas miracle. In July.

  Judy pulls me into a quick hug. “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.”

  I hug her back, her small body feeling fragile yet strong in my arms. Only Judy K could som
ehow pull off that combination.

  “Thanks, Judy. Me, too.”

  “You should bring him over. I’d love to get to know this boy who’s stolen your heart.”

  I chuckle and then explain our situation, “Jaden and I can only see each other at night. I told you before, being with me would cause all kinds of trouble with his family and his church. So, for now, we’re laying low. Unfortunately, that means I can’t bring him over for our afternoon teas.”

  She grunts in frustration. “That’s still a whole lot of bullshit if you ask me. But okay, okay. No afternoon tea. What would you say to a late-night snack? I’m an old lady after all. We don’t sleep much.”

  I laugh, pulling her into my arms again. “Tell me when, JK. We’ll be there.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  * * *

  Jaden

  Quinn throws his head back in laughter as I bust out the running man on the dance floor. The absolute bliss that covers his face makes my heart skip a beat, and I quickly roll through my repertoire of horrible ’80s dance moves my dad used to do to embarrass me and my brother. I think he called this one the cabbage patch.

  I do my best to mimic the dance move without falling flat on my face. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a decent dancer. Despite the countless high school dances and basic lessons from my mom, I’m still not able to count out a beat. The moves I’m currently trying to throw down are so far off from the music, it isn’t even funny. I’m the whitest white boy there is, born to lead a rhythmless life. But the look on Quinn’s face makes all the embarrassment and awkwardness worth it. He looks at me as if I’m the greatest thing since the cabbage patch. No, since the twist. He doesn’t care that I can’t dance to save my life. In his eyes, I’m perfect.

  It’s a mighty fine feeling, if I do say so myself.

  When the song ends, leading into a slower number, Quinn circles his arms around my waist and pulls me in for one last dance. It’s nowhere near closing time, but we’ve got to be getting back.

  Despite how much I love spending time with Quinn, the last few weeks have taken their toll. I’ve been running on just a few hours of sleep every night, and Quinn took one look at me this evening and said we’d be calling it an early night. It took quite a bit of convincing to even get him to come out. He wanted to snuggle up and nap together for a bit before sending me back down to my place. I couldn’t pass up this opportunity though. Not when we likely have only another week or two together.

  Word has been spreading around, and rumor has it that Elder Fisher and I will both be transferred elsewhere soon. Besides Andy, we haven’t had much luck in bringing in new members. I think they’re wanting to get some new blood to try to turn that around.

  We’ve been ensured we’ll be allowed to be here for Andy’s baptism next weekend, so at least there’s that. I know I’ve got at least another week here with Quinn. I’m hoping they move Fisher first, letting me take over familiarizing the new Elder with the area before they ship me out and bring in someone new for him to work with. I’ve spent the last few days crossing every single possible body part, hoping that’s true.

  Quinn’s hands run up and down my back as we sway, his soft voice singing the words to the song in my ear. I allow my eyes to drift shut, savoring the moment and the feel of his breath against my skin.

  I am completely head over heels in love with this man.

  And the thought of leaving him behind breaks me.

  I’ve drafted letter after letter to my parents at the library. In them, I beg for their forgiveness. I tell them how I can’t continue my mission because I can’t bear to be separated from the only person who makes me feel whole. I tell them how sorry I am for disappointing them and how I hope, one day, they’ll be able to look back and be proud of me for being true to myself. I tell them how I still think I believe in the church, how I believe the basic teachings and principles, but I can’t agree with their view on certain things. I tell them how pure my love for Quinn is and his for me in return. How he hasn’t said the words, but I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. I tell them how much I love them and never want to hurt them, but I can’t keep living a lie and need to follow my heart.

  Each and every one has been sent to my new secret email address, my courage breaking before I can enter their emails and press Send.

  I haven’t told Quinn about the possibility of me leaving soon yet. Of course, he knows it’s inevitable. And he says, when the time comes, he’ll wait for me, sneaking away to come see me whenever he can. And, of course, we have the phone, so we can keep in touch. But, now that I know it’s just around the corner, it’s so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Just the idea of not being able to see him every day creates an ache in my chest so deep, sometimes, I feel like it might drill straight through me.

  I plan on letting him know tonight. After we get back to his place, I’m going to tell him everything I know. And I’m going to tell him about the letters to my parents. He needs to know I don’t want to leave him. Maybe having him there with me will give me the courage I need to finally break the news to my parents and send one of the emails.

  The song is over before I’m ready for it to end, and the next thing I know, Quinn and I are saying good-bye to our friends. His tight-knit group has accepted me with open arms, a fact I was surprised by, considering Ross was always among them. I thought things would be awkward between us, him having been with Quinn before. But he pulled me aside after my second night out, explaining to me that there was nothing between the two of them, and he couldn’t be happier that Quinn and I had found each other. The two of us have been cool ever since.

  I can’t decide which is better—the friendships I’ve formed with these men or the relationship I’ve developed with Judy K. Quinn dragged me over there late one night, despite my protests of not wanting anyone to know about us. I needn’t have worried though. Leaving Judy K behind might be just as hard as leaving Quinn. Maybe even harder. Quinn doesn’t bake cookies like Judy K. Stopping by Judy’s place for a bit has become a regular part of our nights together.

  As we step out of the club, Quinn throws his arm around my shoulders, tucking me into his side and out of the chill of the air. It’s late—after midnight—but you’d never know it from the downtown streets of LA. Scores of people pass us by, most of them not even noticing our presence, as they hurry to wherever it is they’re going.

  Quinn and I take our time, not wanting the evening to be over just yet. Before we turn the corner around the side of the club, I pull Quinn into the shadows, pressing him against the brick building and kissing the hell out of him.

  He meets me inch for inch, his mouth greedily devouring mine and his hands running up and down my body. When he reaches my wrists, I feel his lips spread wide beneath mine.

  Circling his fingers around my wrists, he suddenly spins me, forcing my back against the cool bricks and pinning my arms up at my sides. It doesn’t matter how much I try to break free, he doesn’t let up his hold. His mouth continues to torment my body, and my fingers ache to touch him. But he holds me in place, kissing every inch of available flesh while I squirm and wriggle under his touch.

  I’m riding high, my mind soaring and my body thrumming, drunk on love and Quinn, when it all comes crashing down around us.

  “What the fuck?” a gruff voice shouts behind us.

  I’m about to tell the asshole to fuck off—apparently, being interrupted when I’m turned on brings out a side of me I didn’t know existed—when Quinn freezes. He pulls back from his pursuit on my neck, all the color draining from his face when his eyes meet mine.

  “Quinn?” the man asks, his voice almost shrill in disbelief.

  Quinn’s throat bobs up and down as I watch him take a deep breath and swallow it. Turning slowly, he faces the man I don’t know but who obviously knows him.

  “Rick. What are you doing out tonight? I thought you were on shift at the bar.”

  Rick doesn’t bother answering
his question. But, now that Quinn has said his name, I know exactly who this is. Quinn told me all about him during one of our late-night talks. I know all about the homophobic jerk Quinn works for. How he’d kicked out a pair of innocent club-goers just because they had the audacity to be gay. And how he’d all but knocked out another man for the exact same reason. Quinn explained everything, including how hard it was to work for the asshole while trying to hide who he was.

  I hated that for him. Hated how he felt he couldn’t be himself because of one person’s feelings. But I could relate. It’s tough being yourself in a world that doesn’t accept you for who you are.

  But seeing the man now, the look of betrayal and hatred so evident on his face? I more than want Quinn to tell this asshole to go to hell. I want to tear that smug little face off and shove it down his bigoted throat.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Quinn?” He looks from Quinn, to me, up to the sign with the club’s name, and back to Quinn. “Are you really here right now? With him?”

  “Rick, I can explain—” Quinn starts.

  But Rick throws up a hand, cutting him off. “Save it for someone else. I know what I saw. What did I tell you, Quinn? I fucking hate liars. But do you know what’s even worse than a liar? A fucking queer. And here you are. A fucking lying queer.”

  Rick looks as if he’s about to throw up, and I literally have to bite my tongue to keep from tearing him a new one. I might be a quiet, reserved person most of the time. But listening to this man berate Quinn this way, watching his face as he looks down at him, my nostrils flare, and my breathing quickens, my stomach rolling in anger as I flex and unflex my fingers, needing to move something in order to keep from decking the asshole in front of me.

  Rick spits on the ground at our feet, whirling around and taking a step away. He pauses, looking back at Quinn over his shoulder. “I don’t ever want to see your face in my club again.”