Losing My Religion Page 16

  Judging from the look on Jaden’s face, Halcyon isn’t at all what he expected. His eyes dart around the room, taking in the dim lighting, soft music, and various couples. Some are embracing on the dance floor while others are cuddled up on couches placed throughout the space. And then there are the others who, like us, are clearly out together for the first time and are working on getting to know each other. Hopefully, at some point tonight, we’ll be able to steal away to one of those secluded tables in the back, and I can start my pursuit of unlocking the mystery that is Jaden Barker.

  Spotting Ross and our other friend Gavin out on the dance floor, I place my hand on Jaden’s arm and gesture toward my friends with the other. “Those are my buddies over there. Let’s go say hi.”

  Jaden’s gaze moves over to where I’m pointing, and I see his eyes narrow when his eyes lock on Ross. As I begin to move through the crowd, trying to keep ahold on Jaden so as not to lose him in the fray, I feel his fingers close around mine and squeeze. I revel in the contact, my skin tingling wherever it touches his. I’m half-tempted to take the long route around the club just so I won’t have to drop his hand when we reach Ross and Gavin.

  To my surprise, however, Jaden doesn’t let go of me when we reach my friends. If anything, his grip seems to tighten, his eyes never leaving Ross’s face.

  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say my boy here might be a little jealous.

  Ross seems to get the hint, putting his arm around Gavin as he introduces himself to Jaden. Ross and Gavin have never been a thing, and I can’t see them ever being a thing, but I appreciate Ross trying to put Jaden’s mind at ease. I’ll have to explain the inner workings of my and Ross’s relationship to Jaden later tonight.

  Former relationship, I should say.

  Jaden seems to relax a little after the introductions, though he still doesn’t drop my hand, which is completely okay with me. He can hold onto it for the rest of my life as far as I’m concerned. It feels too damn good to let go.

  I nod toward the bar, raising my eyebrows in a silent way of asking if I can grab anyone anything. When both Ross and Gavin shake their heads, I turn to Jaden.

  “Can I get you anything? I know you don’t drink, but I’m pretty sure they’ve got Coke or something back there.”

  He smiles. “A Coke would be great. But I think I’ll come with you.”

  Exactly what I was hoping he would say.

  We head toward the bar where I order a Jack and Coke for me and a regular Coke for Jaden. When the bartender slides the drinks over to us, we turn as one and survey the area once again. The universe must be working in my favor tonight, because just as we begin to walk, a table opens, the couple who was occupying it taking their drinks and heading to the dance floor.

  “C’mon,” I say, nodding toward the table as I drag Jaden through the crowd.

  I know how this place works. If we don’t get there fast, someone else is going to snatch it up.

  And, as I’m sliding my ass onto one of the high-backed stools, I see two other men who were trying to do exactly that.

  Better luck next time, suckers.

  Jaden takes his seat next to me, sipping his Coke as he looks around the room. We sit in silence for a few minutes as I let him take in the scene. Even a stranger would be able to tell he feels slightly out of his element, but he seems to be enjoying himself. I watch him as he people-watches for a minute, his lips curling up into a smile the longer he sits. When his eyes fall on a pair of men dancing, their lips locked together just as tightly as their bodies, his face flushes, his eyes dropping down to the floor, as if in embarrassment.

  Reaching over, I place my hand under his chin and lift his eyes to mine. “You okay?”

  He nods. “Yeah. I’m just not…used to it, I guess. I feel like I’m invading a private moment.”

  I give him a soft smile. “Would you look away if it were a man and a woman kissing out there?”

  He hesitates for a minute, thinking over his answer. I see his brows furrow as he turns over my question, as if the answer doesn’t please him. Eventually, he answers, “Probably. Though not as quickly.”

  “Is it because you don’t like what you’re seeing?”

  This time, there’s no hesitation. “No. If anything, it’s because I like it too much.”

  My heart aches at his answer. I might not have been completely open about my sexuality until high school, but I’d never really done anything to hide it. People just assumed I was a late bloomer and wasn’t interested in girls yet. But I’d never felt like I had to bury who I was. Bury it so deep inside that I couldn’t even admit it to myself.

  “Have you given any more thought to my question from the other night?”

  He doesn’t ask what I’m talking about, already knowing what I’m referring to. He nods but doesn’t offer any further answer. I’m still dying to know why he’s even out here when he’s so clearly miserable.

  “You still thinking about your answer?” I prod, wanting him to open up to me.

  He gives me a sideways smile. “I’ll get back to you on that.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “You know, you can’t keep using that line on me forever.”

  He rubs his thumb over the back of my hand, the earlier contact he initiated still fully intact. He hasn’t let go of my hand for a single second pretty much since we stepped inside.

  “I could say the same thing to you,” he says, his eyes glinting in the dim light.

  Another chuckle escapes my lips. “Touché.”

  His eyes go back to the crowd, as he clearly thinks the subject has been dropped. But I’m not done.

  “You want to know what it was like coming out to my family?”

  His eyes dart back to me, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows hard and nods.

  “My family always knew I was a little different. While all my friends wanted to play football and go fishing, I was always more interested in drama class and volunteering at animal shelters. Nobody thought anything of it. I mean, plenty of straight guys like acting and dogs. I still don’t think me preferring those things to football had any indication of me being gay. I know plenty of gay dudes who get together every Sunday to watch the Chargers. But, of course, after I came out, people were shocked they’d missed the signs.”

  “I love basketball,” Jaden interjects. “Playing, watching, coaching…doesn’t matter. Anything basketball, and I’m there.”

  I smile, glad that my words are giving him some sort of comfort in accepting himself. “See? Nobody says you have to like certain things to be straight and other things to be gay. Well, people say it, but it’s a bunch of bullshit.”

  He nods. “I’m beginning to see that.”

  “Anyway,” I continue, going back to my story, “during my senior year, I became interested in one of my co-stars for the school play. Romeo and Juliet, if you can believe it. I was cast as Mercutio, and I was falling for my own Romeo. Lucky for me, Romeo had more of an inclination for his best friend than his fair maiden,” I add with a wink.

  Jaden looks slightly uncomfortable at the mention of someone I used to date, so I squeeze his hand.

  “And also lucky for me, Romeo ended up being a total douche. It didn’t last long.”

  He smiles at my remark. “So, what happened?”

  “Well, I decided, if I was going to date a guy, I’d better make damn sure my parents knew about it before they found out from someone on the street who just happened to see us out together. Small town and all that. People talk.”

  Jaden nods, as if he understands. “I hear you. Lehi isn’t a super-small town, but it still seems like my parents know everybody. My dad used to be stake president, so basically, everyone in town knows who I am.”

  I have no clue what a steak president is, but it sounds delicious. Not wanting to get off subject though, I file it away to ask about it later.

  “I went to my mom first and just told her I was pretty sure I liked guys. She looked shocked for about a t
hird of a second, and then she hugged me and told me she was happy as long as I was happy.”

  Jaden scoffs. “Yeah, my mom would not be so accepting.”

  I give his hand another squeeze. “My dad, on the other hand, took a while to come around. He tried to tell me I was confused, that it was a phase I’d grow out of—yada, yada, yada. All that crap you always hear people say to their gay family and friends. It took a couple of years before he finally started treating me like he used to. But, even now, our relationship isn’t what it was. We don’t talk a lot.”

  Jaden’s face falls. “I don’t know what I’d do without my dad. He’s my best friend. If I told him something like this and he cast me out…I just don’t know if I could take it.”

  “Your dad might not be like mine though. Maybe your dad would throw his arms around you and say the same thing my mom did.”

  He shrugs. “Maybe, but I doubt it.”

  We fall silent for a few minutes, and I try to think of anything I can say to try to fix the sullen air that’s overtaken the room.

  “Do you ever regret it?” Jaden’s voice surprises me, the tone slightly gravelly, as if he were fighting back tears.

  I drop his hand, my skin protesting the loss until my fingers find his face. Placing my hands on either side of his jaw, my thumbs tracing across his cheekbones, I look him square in the eye. His inky, dark pools stare up at me from beneath lowered lashes, and I can see the glistening tears threatening to spill over.

  “Never. Do not ever regret being who you are, Jaden. Never let anyone make you feel inferior. Or damaged. Or sick. Do not let anything ever get in the way of your happiness. Because the people who matter? They will love you, no matter what. And, if they don’t, then they don’t deserve you. If your loved ones can’t be happy for you, then you are better off not having them in your life.”

  A single tear slides down his cheek, and I wipe it away with my thumb.

  “You’re an amazing man, Jaden. I’ve only known you a month, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that you’re one in a million. People don’t come any more genuine than you. And you deserve all the happiness in the world, be it with me or someone else. But, seeing you like this, on the brink of tears over something that should be as natural as breathing? It breaks my fucking heart.”

  Jaden sniffles a little, taking in a deep breath as he blinks back his tears. “You’re right. I can’t help who I’m attracted to any more than I can help the color of my hair. Sure, I can dye it, pretend to be blond or a redhead. But it doesn’t change the fact that I was born with brown hair. Just like pretending to be straight doesn’t change the fact that I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  I can’t help myself. His words trigger something inside me, and before I can stop it, I’m off my chair, pulling Jaden flush against my chest as my arms circle around his waist. I cling to him, relishing in the feel of his body pressed against mine, loving the feel of his arms when they return the gesture. He hugs me tight, his forearms digging into my back even harder than I expected. He’s a lot stronger than I gave him credit for.

  I have no clue how long we stand here, but it’s not nearly long enough in my opinion. All too soon, Jaden’s hold loosens on me, and I reluctantly pull back, my body aching at the loss of the feel of him.

  “Do you want—”

  Jaden’s lips close over mine, cutting off my words. And my senses. And my brain. And…and…what was I saying?

  His kiss is every bit as soft and sweet as I envisioned and then some. His full lips move slowly against my own, his breath coming in muted gasps, his gentle scent washing over me with every movement. My hands find his face again, and I cup one around his cheek and move the other around to the back of his head, locking him in place.

  I deepen the kiss, testing the waters by running my tongue gently along the line of his lower lip. He whimpers—fucking whimpers—before parting his lips and granting me access. That one little sound is almost enough to send me over the edge.

  I take my time, exploring his mouth with my own, tasting every inch of the delicious flesh he’s so openly offering me. He follows my lead, his tongue tangling with my own, the two of us lost in our own little world inside the crowded club.

  He surprises me further when he pulls my hips against his, grinding his stiff erection against my own. My entire body lights up at the contact, and I know I need to put the brakes on this situation before we do something he’ll regret. Even though he initiated this, I’m all too familiar with what happens when passion takes over, and the brain takes a backseat. And I don’t want Jaden to regret a single thing about tonight.

  I break the kiss, keeping my face only millimeters from his as I speak, “Let’s dance.”

  I drag him over to the dance floor before he can protest. If he wants to grind against me, he can do it out here. And I’ll gladly return the favor. But we’ve got to keep it PG-13. No matter how much I hate the idea.

  Jaden quickly warms up to the idea of dancing, adapting easily to my moves and falling into rhythm. I’m not a saint, so I sneak a few more kisses as we dance, the two of us laughing when our movements cause our teeth to clash against each other.

  Two hours pass out here on the floor, only a few quick water breaks interrupting our fun. I’ve never seen Jaden look so…vibrant. The permanent scowl I didn’t even realize he’d been sporting is gone, his face full of exuberance and happiness. His smile is wide, his laugh is genuine, and he’s absolutely breathtaking.

  I gesture that I’m going to grab some water during a fast-paced song, and he nods and waves me off, joining in with Gavin as he jumps around. I laugh as I leave them to it, sweat pouring down my back as I move off the floor.

  “You guys look good out there,” a voice says behind me as I lean across the bar to wait for my water. I turn, seeing Ross standing before me.

  “Thanks, man. We’re having a good time.”

  He smiles. “I can see that. I’m so happy for you, Quinn.”

  I quirk an eyebrow up at him. “You’re happy we’re having a good time?”

  He shakes his head. “No. I’m happy you found your person.”

  He turns and walks away, and I’m left pondering his words. My eyes search the crowd, seeking out Jaden. When I find him, still laughing and having a good time with Gavin, I wonder if what Ross said was true.

  Could Jaden be my person? We’ve only known each other for a month, a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. But does that matter when you’ve found the person you were meant for?

  Jaden’s eyes find mine watching him, and the smile that he gives me is all the answer I need. When he waves me back over to him, I go, not even caring about the water and my relentless thirst. When I reach him and his lips close over mine once again, it’s all the sustenance I need. He breathes the life into me like nothing I’ve ever known before.

  And I don’t care how crazy it seems.

  Jaden Barker is my person.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  * * *

  Jaden

  I chew on my lower lip as I wait for the mission president to join me in his office.

  When Elder Fisher held out the phone to me last night, telling me Elder Shaw wanted to speak with me, I thought that was it. It was all over. The jig was up. They knew where I’d been the night before, and I was being sent home.

  When the man simply asked for a meeting with me, his tone conveying no sort of anger or irritation, I readily agreed. He didn’t explain further, even when I’d tried fishing for the information, but I took his level tone and friendly attitude as a good sign.

  Sitting in his office today though, the clock ticking on the wall, the shiny picture of Jesus next to the one of Joseph Smith staring me in the eye, I wonder if maybe my flippancy about this meeting was misplaced. Sure, he sounded nice on the phone. But maybe that was just to get me here under my own volition. Maybe, at this very moment, there are church members in our apartment, packing my stuff to drop it off with me at the ai
rport.

  What if Fisher has known about this all along, and he just went along with it, pretending we’d go out and hit the streets after it was over? Maybe he knew he’d be getting a new companion in just a few short hours. It would certainly explain the extra pep in his step this morning.

  I’m contemplating darting out the door, running and hiding before any of this can take place, when the door behind me swings open. I stand, bowing my head at the man who steps before me.

  “Elder Barker, thank you so much for coming.”

  I reach out and shake his hand. “Thank you, Elder Shaw. I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me.”

  Kiss-ass, Jafar whispers in my ear.

  It strikes me then how long it’s been since I’ve heard from Jiminy. He’s been pretty much nonexistent these last few weeks, letting his counterpart take the wheel in almost all my decisions. I thought that was a good thing, Jafar being the one to allow me to explore my thoughts and feelings without making me feel like garbage. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Jiminy was the small voice of the Holy Ghost, and I’ve all but lost him with my recent behavior.

  Bull honkey, Jafar sounds off again. Maybe, for the first time in your life, you’re actually thinking for yourself, not just following along blindly with what the church and Jiminy tell you to do.

  I think back on the last few weeks—the time I’ve known Quinn. Regardless of what happened to Jiminy, I can’t bring myself to regret a single second. Especially not the past few days where I’ve stayed up late into the night, texting Quinn and getting to know him. And the night before last? When he took me out with his friends and truly let me see a side of him I never thought I’d get to see?

  It was the best night of my entire life.

  Quinn showed me who he really was, but more important than that, he helped me break off a piece of the shell that had been hiding who I was for the past nineteen years. He made me feel special. He made me feel desired. He made me feel…good.

  Kissing him was the highlight of my existence. It wasn’t my first kiss—not technically. I’d gone out on plenty of dates throughout high school. All girls, of course. And I’d even kissed a fair share of them, always trying to fix something I’d thought was broken inside me.